Forever With Me

Through the death of a loved one, I have opened my eyes to appreciate all the people in my life today, right now. The hardest struggle I face at this time is the pain that comes from a suicide, the guilt of not knowing the person's pain and struggles, not realizing is so hard to deal with. Watching everyone I love crumble at the news, the sadness that envelopes around us, the shock, the never ending grief; it's almost too much to bare. Several months later, I still feel the pain, shock, hurt and even sometimes anger-not at him, at myself for not letting him know how much he meant to me, how much him being in my life meant. I have told him many times the words, but never why or what made me feel the way I do. I said the words like a robot as I was leaving-I'm sorry for that.

Such a gentle soul, not able to deal with all the pressures of the world. I see two children without a father, a baby without a grandpa and a woman without her rock, her best friend, her soul mate. I see family that has lost a huge chunk from one lovely man and friends who will never laugh the way they did when he was around. I never knew how much you could miss hearing someone's voice and how I try to replay some of the things he has said, but each day that voice seems to fade-please don't let me lose that. I was always excited when I saw him, even as an adult, I always loved being around him.

September 15th will forever be a sad day in my life, I hate to think that it's coming up-I dread it. There is so many questions I have that will go unanswered, so many feelings and emotions that I can't express. I love and miss you so much. I wish I could go back and tell you what was on my mind, the real way I felt-I know it wouldn't have changed what happened but at least you would have known.

I have come to realize that everything happens for a reason, every person has a purpose, when their purpose is complete they leave us, I can handle that. What is so hard to understand is what exactly that purpose was and why sometimes it's over so soon. I know he is in a better place where no one can harm him any longer, no one can break his pride. If you didn't know while you were here-you were loved and very special to many people, you were special to me.

I talk to him everyday, I tell my kids about him, he will never be forgotten. Dooley, that is your fault, you consume our lives and I know you are laughing about that now. I know he's around, I feel him and I know everyone else does as well. I am very sad and hurt that he's gone but I am happy for him, I know he's free now, free from this hateful world.

My mind is filled with movies of your Memories, my heart is filled with songs of love-you will forever be alive within me.